Wednesday, November 30, 2022


 Happy, what it truly means to be happy now. I thought I was happy before my illness. Being a wife & mom was everything and anything I’ve ever wanted, dreamed of, prayed for, you name it! To get to be those, I considered myself so very fortunate. I also had a girl and a little boy on the way, a dream come true! I have a husband who loves me unconditionally & we both have families who love & support us whom we get to see all the time (we’re just a very close, tight-knit family) and for that I will forever be grateful. What more could a girl ask for?! Before getting sick I felt this void though, it’s hard to explain. I struggled with the fact that a lot of my best friends lived in different places (even if it is just on the outskirts of where we live). I mean my best friend from high school is right down the road on the outskirts, but it still takes forever to try and work out a play date or what not, so we don’t get to see each other as often as we’d like. Same goes with my best friends from college. Then comes COVID & the world just becomes dark, sad, & for some… lonely. Individuals are fighting over whether or not your vaccinated or unvaccinated. Loved ones are dying & people can’t attend their funerals! You all lived it / are living in it, so you get my drift. Anyways, this is all over the place, so I’m sorry! I am actually working on a post to talk about everything that I’ve experienced this past year. It’s raw, I’m vulnerable, & it’s simply the truth about everything…. How I felt physically & mentally. I finally feel like I am able to share because maybe I can help someone that’s going through a similar situation, because I have felt soooo alone. I am working on that now & will be up on my 1 year diagnosis anniversary. It is by no means for any sympathy whatsoever, it is strictly this is what happened to me, this is my life, and this is how I got to where I am today. Obviously, it is not an easy journey… I still struggle myself & cry more than I’d like to admit. I’m also the happiest I’ve been since I don’t recall when. I thought I was happy, but I am truly, truly happy. When you get sick with an illness such as mine (I don’t know if any of y’all have googled Antisynthetase Syndrome or Interstitial Lung Disease), but the prognosis on Google is very grim and you know we had to live through that, the unknowns, the waiting on answers, etc. I’m still absolutely terrified of what my future holds, but I am I just trusting God. I’ve always been a strong believer. I’ve obviously had my ups and downs of going to church and you know I’m a sinner. I’m human & I am by nowhere near the Christian that I want to be or the one that I am striving to be, but my relationship with God has never been closer. I had to pretty much lay it all out to him and you know give my life to him fully. Trust in him with every single aspect of my life. I’ve done that and the blessings keep flowing in. I am still not healed and I do struggle with that. I might not ever get healed so that is something that is a mental struggle every single day and something that since I’m human, I have asked God why, why me? Still you know I get frustrated with it and I get scared if I’m being truthful, but with that being said I look at life so differently. I have always been appreciative of life, like I said, I have been thankful for everything and I have known how fortunate and blessed I have been in this life, but to view life the way I do now. I cherish every single moment, I am very slow to anger, very slow to get annoyed. I truly live each day like it is my last. & you know this might not be forever, I might go back to getting annoyed about the little things and stuff, but for now and for the foreseeable future, I feel like this this is my life.  The kids make a mess, I am absolutely thankful for that mess. The kids cry and won’t stop crying, I’m absolutely thankful that they are crying and that they need me. It’s just such a different way of living and I don’t know if any of y’all have experienced this feeling, it’s just really hard to explain. I don’t really know where I’m going with it all, but all I can say is that yeah I’m just very thankful for every day I’m here. I also don’t care about material things. I love clothes, I majored in fashion (before nursing) & started blogging right out of college, but that is just something that does not matter to me anymore. I’ve always known that it’s not the most important thing and you know material items should never be given much authority over your life. I’ve always known that material items should never be the front of anything, but I did spend too much of my time into it. I would aimlessly scroll trying to find the newest, latest, & greatest! I would over purchase when I knew I shouldn’t, just to post content. I wanted to be big, so I could stay home & be with my kids! With blogging (in my case) you just go down a rabbit hole of clothes and you do get caught up in it, you also think things like “her life looks perfect, blah blah blah”, you go down th-at rabbit hole as well and that is just toxic and that’s not healthy for anyone. I see that now and now I’m like oh good for her she’s got a new car, she’s got that new outfit that’s awesome, I’ve got my husband, two kids, a roof over our head, and I’m thankful that I’m alive today! It sounds silly, but anyway I still love following fashion bloggers. I’ve made incredible relationships with some real women in this industry! I don’t mean this in any negative way at all & I definitely still love buying cute clothes. I’m just telling you my story and how my life has changed in regards to social media. I’m glad there are so many great woman out there to follow & that I don’t need to browse as much anymore, because they are browsing for me!!! Moving on to relationships. I don’t need anyone that isn’t going to love me the way I love them in my life. I will love them and I will pray for them, but I only want to be surrounded by people that build people up. People that don’t talk about people in toxic ways. People that just make you feel better when you left them than when arrived, and you already felt good upon arrival! Those are the relationships that I want and that I need and God has fulfilled that. I have my old best friends that I still have such strong relationships with. I know that they will be there for me whenever I need them. Gosh, the amount of people that showed up when I got sick, it was indescribable! I had Florence friends, high school friends, sorority sisters that I haven’t spoken to in years reach out to me weekly. It was just a really eye-opening experience and it really touched my heart. I also had individuals not reach out at all, ones that I thought would & that was a hard pill to swallow at the time.  The ones that were there for the good, the bad, the ugly, those are the people that I want to keep in my life. Those that listened to me cry non-stop, that prayed over me. What a blessing those people are in my life. God has provided me with a new group of friends and they already know my story and they love me and I mean, I feel like I’ve been best friends with some of them forever and I just met them. I feel very fulfilled in my relationships. They are Christ loving women and you just feel better when you are with them. That is all I’ve ever prayed for and wanted.  I know that these women love my children just as much as I do (you know what I mean, not as much as I do, but you get what I’m saying). I’m just grateful for this community and this new era of life. I’m still sick, but I am happy, I am living. We have our struggles obviously. We don’t have as much money as we used to because I no longer work. Our grocery bills have gone up significantly due to my new healthy lifestyle. I got rid of everything toxic in our house, and had to buy a ton of new products. I lost a significant amount of weight so had to buy a new wardrobe. So there’s been a lot of adjustments and changes. A lot of struggles that we are still struggling and figuring out, but God is providing, He is showing up everywhere,  and it’s just incredible. I thought if you were out there struggling that maybe this could, you know, brighten your day. Also, turn off the news… I am a news junkie & love to be educated in everything that’s going on, but boy, it’ll cause you to have a heart attack, so just turn off the news & surround yourself with God loving people. Be the best version of you that you can be and continue to work to be better every single day. I’ll leave you at that. A stronger relationship with God is truly the key to happiness! Stay tuned for my post about everything that I’ve gone through this year and if you could continue to pray, my next lung function test is in the middle of January. I am just praying for good news, that my lungs will show no interstitial lung disease.  I’m leaving it all up to God, and that’s all I can do. I just want to say thank you for the people that have stuck by me this year and for the people that have been there for me during the worst of times. Those that have texted me through everything and just been my biggest cheerleaders. Like I said, there were people that I haven’t spoken to in years that literally texted me weekly and some of my friends texted & called me every single day.  I had family members & friends researching anything & everything tying to help figure out what was wrong with me, find doctors that would see me, etc. My cousin reached out to her doctor friends to find out who the best rheumatologist was. My coworkers at my old job did the sweetest thing ever. They provided us with months of fun activities because we were living in isolation and we didn’t know what my future held. I’m just extremely thankful from the bottom of my heart to each and everyone of you. I love you and I wish you all the Merriest Christmas. This time last year I didn’t get to enjoy much, so this year I am going all out and doing everything and anything. Taking all the pictures & probably posting way too much, but you only live one life and I need a place to go if my daughter drops my phone in the water because I have no pics printed! Note to self, print the pics asap. Alright, goodnight and if you’re still reading this woaaah! Thank you!!! 

No comments:

Post a Comment